One Year....

One year ago, I lost one of my favorite people in the world. One of the only people who could make me laugh when I was down and out. His wildly bearded grin was enough to make my daughter laugh her first belly laugh after her stroke. He was there for me when most of my friends abandoned me, and I hadn't talked to him in years at that point. He held my hand.

I live my life in seconds, and I shouldn't. I realize that. Everyones death should make me realize that, but it does exactly the opposite. A girl who touched a lot of my friends' lives was brutally murdered in a Dewey Beach Motel on Sunday. A woman who had a son. A mommy. This rockets me back to March 2005.

All this death, destruction, non-sensical, non-logistical.... bullshit. I hate it. Why is there such a fine line between life and death? SO many people see it as this gap that they have to get over. A terminal sickness (ohai, yeah, I'm here with that), trauma to rehabilitate from, only to die slowly. No!!! It doesn't always happen that way! Life can be stolen. Life can be lost like a set of keys. That easy. at 130 miles per hour on a back highway. 100 feet from your destination.

Everything that has happened this passed year, this is in the top 3, most definitely. Whats sad is that being beat senseless, and having someones hand/wrist whatever broken acrossed my jaw, still did not physically hurt more than my friends death. I was in such a dark place after that, and I'm trying to get out. You know those Abilify commercials where the black hole follows the cartoon chick around? Its like I'm Cathy (the comic strip) and thats me. Fucking sarcastic with a fucking black hole stalker. Don't get me wrong, I love my sarcasm, it keeps me alive and well, but seriously. FUCK this black hole and its beady eyes. I don't know how to beat it. Its not a chemical thing.
I have been talking to a friend who I love very, very much, almost every day. He's got problems. We both joke about wanting to take a medicine called fukital. How awesome would that be? The Simpsons had a badass episode where Lisa was depressed (they've really given her character some more depth these passed few seasons, haven't they?) and she had happy pills that basically made her see bad shit as gooooooood shiiiiiit. I think thats why I like that song LDN by Lily Allen so much!!! Have you seen that video?

"Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I wanna be somewhere else? When you look with your eyes, everything looks nice, but when you look twice, you can see its all lies. Life. Thats life..."

That is so me. That was my song when I lived at duPont with my daughter. I even broke down and bought that album (its not bad. but its lost. I think I may download it again. Quick! Someone get me a CD-R LOL My iPod transmitter is awesome at charging, but sucks at what its supposed to be good at. Plus, my speakers, they're wonky. that abusive loser did something with them.)

Husband. I miss him. Friday was our wedding anniversary. Did I mention that when I updated? GOD! I called him because I sent him pictures from a photoshoot I had done with the kids. Oh, and all three of us got haircuts. For a grand total of something north of $100. lol Plus, I bought M the cutest dress ever. Sherbet colored stripey sundress. S I bought two polo tops. One in pink. I wanted him to wear the pink for the photoshoot, but the yellow popped more. It went well.

My friend wanted to test out his new lighting system.
ok, I'm a mess. I have to sleep. I have to be up in a couple hours and do dialysis and other stuff.
Also, real quickly. I heard the song from the end of Goodfellas at lunch today (alone, i went to appetites on main LOL i am such a loser.) and its all instrumental but it makes me think about life. Its so cheesy! wah. I love it though. I want to watch Goodfellas again and again. Henry Hill just died on Wednesday, or was it Tuesday? eh, I couldn't give a shit or two less about him. He was a freakin rat anyway. I have a long story about that.
Oh, and fuck Tyler Shields because he's a wannabe Spencer Pratt, whos a loser anyway. Where has he been, anyway? Gossip life... wait, is better without him. Now Lohan and Stodden need to follow his lead! Though no, Lohan is fun. Who else would I choose? Oh, the girl who killed CJ. She's a celebrity nobody. initials TT. She killed my friend CJ. Yeah, see? This blog entry came full circle. Back to death. FUCK my life is depressing. I really do have more to me than this, but the vitriol I spew is what is in my cerebral cortex. Goodnight.
wait wait, one more thing. Did I mention that a hospital almost killed me last week? put me into a hypoglycemic coma for a couple days. But I'm okay now. I have a HUGE bruise on my chest. HUGE GREEN BRUISE. not to mention my arm is all kinds of fubar. well, both of them. I have to go under anesthesia on Tuesday because my arms fucked. fucking dialysis. pox on whoever invented it. i mean, like yay, i'm alive? i guess? but forreal, shitty process to stay alive. a transplant won't be much kinder. My lil sis seems to be doing ok with it though. 7 years later. and she weighs like 89 pounds on a good day, but shes......jesus, seems like a foot shorter than me. You'd look at her and think she was 12. She's 25. She gets kicked out of bars all the time. bahahaha She's got a mental challenge, lives with a mental caretaker. I didn't get into specifics. I saw the family over the weekend. Its weird, I didn't grow up with them, but I fit in with them. Like eerily so. I'm scared.  I'm not supposed to. Just not.
ok, 27 minutes later, sleep. really!

I suck at good habits

I would blog more if I felt that I had anything of any interest to anyone else to say. But really, I don't. I'm sorry. I would tweet more often as well. I'm conditioned not to. I used to think I was witty, funny, and even interesting. But sadly, I found that I'm not.
I'm feeling pretty down. I've been in the hospital a few times since my last update. Having bunk organs can really screw up your day, apparently. Stupid DNA.

I'm so bad at being anonymous. And I miss my old life, as much as I used to hate it and complain. I miss my kids. I miss my husband (happy ex-anniversary, honey, btw.) I miss my dog. I hate that my son is mad at me because he's been taken away from me. He thinks its my fault. (it is) It wasn't the state that did it, it was his father. I wish he'd see that I'm not the enemy, dammit! He tells me he loves me, but he has more fun, and feels more comfortable with his dad. It truly sucks.
Ok, I just got the text that I have to go. I'll try to update later and be more cheerful.

PS. the day after I left the hospital, my car died. So I've been relying on everyone else for rides everywhere. Then I got my car back, went into another hospital, where they almost killed me (forreal), and I had to leave my car there because they kicked me out after giving me narcotics that I would NOT drive with. YAY cab rides that are over an hour long.

peace out xo

Staying in Philadelphia. . .

I have realized that I begin an inordinate amount of texts, tweets, emails, and blog posts with: "Ok, so..." Its annoying to me. I'm self conscious and aware of it. Oh, I also segue ever so smoothly by saying "Anyway(s)..." and just trail off. I think thats going to be a quarter through the year resolution to cut that out.

What has gone on lately?

I'm in the hospital. Day number, oh, I'm not sure. Feels like kajillion. I got here Wednesday and its Saturday. So, that many. In this wonderful stay at Chez (University of) Penn, I have received like 30 freaking diagnoses. None of which stick through an entire nurses shift. Except for my Opthalmological ones. Thats apparently not a word. Whatever.
At first, on Wednesday, they were SURE I'd had a stroke. That was before they heard my family history. I'm freaking out, alone, crying because I can't imagine how scared my daughter was when she had HER stroke. Or what it felt like. And if she felt 1/100th of what I was feeling... Oh, G-d, that just made me feel even worse.
Thursday, it was just a migraine. But they wanted to keep me anyway because it was atypical and I was seeing floaters and shooting stars. Yeah, they kept the dilaudid coming, but it wasn't really cutting the pain. Dialysis was also bad, my migraine got crazy worse, and nobody could get a hold of anyone for medication to fix it. They shoved me under ice packs and let me scream and cry. One doctor came over to me (wait, maybe she was a nurse practitioner. idk. i was mean about her later. I felt bad when she was nice to me later. Twice.) and asked me "sooooo where are your kids?" Ok, like I feel bad enough I'm in the hospital and dying of death. Way to compound it.
Friday, Dialysis was hoooorrrrreeeeendous. and me drawing that out does not even give it credence. I was asleep (I never sleep in dialysis. Its basically a cardinal rule of mine. They woke me up for a dose of dilaudid because I asked for one at 850. Then upon completion of treatment, my migraine was so bad, and they wouldn't give me another dose, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS WRITTEN. I am still sahlty about that. I didn't make it back to the floor for hours because I had an ophthalmologist appointment.
My mom was here for all of THIS. BEST way to make things less anxious. (/sarcasm) Also, I had a transport boy sitting with me too. I didn't get back to my unit until 3. Uncool dude.
Then my best friend came. Oh, and my roommate brought me clothes. He went through my dresser when I texted him, asking him for clothes. Skip over the target bag thats filled with all my stuff that I need, and go through my underware drawer and bring me a bra, panties, JEANS (because thats what I want to wear inpatient) and a pajama top. Yeah, he only went through my underware drawer because the rest of the outfit was from a basket. But Nikki bought me sweat pants, and I'm extremely grateful. I love her.
Then my roommate coded, and I was freaking out. Got sent to the "family room" while she disappeared. I was not told if she died or not. I had a horrible anxiety attack because of all the commotion. I felt bad.
Then today, I just feel down. Ebay is really trying to make me not so down. I've been trolling that. I'm buying my fav perfume of the moment, YSL Parisienne, The makeup case that was stolen when my purse was stolen at Target last year before a friend's bday party. and, I think I'm going to last minute bid on this lipgloss. I love MakeUpForever.

I lead a boring life, and need moar meds because I really don't feel well. I'm here for another night, so I may as well make the best of it? I'm going to get my kids when I get out of here and we're going to make funfetti stuffs. Because the world is better with Funfetti in it.

What should I watch on Netflix?